Street Fighter Zangief, who has spent his career striving to prove Russia’s superiority over the fighters of other nations, is now dying to piledrive that wanker Putin.
Born in the USSR, wrestler Zangief is as patriotic as they come. He likes nothing more than to shout ‘For Mother Russia’ while performing a double suplex on a young Chinese lady.
But Zangief has now spoken out against President Putin’s insane jingoism.
“Putin and I have a lot in common,” said the mohawked giant.
“We actually met at bear wrestling academy where we both excelled at being cruel to animals in an incredibly manly fashion.
“Before long, we’d developed a joint passion for getting topless and wrestling other men.
“We’d fight each other anywhere – abandoned warehouses, snowy Siberian rail yards… we always knew that our sweaty, intertwined bodies would keep each other warm.
“We were just men doing what real men are supposed to do.
“But then Vladimir became increasingly distant and withdrawn. Whatever feelings he’d developed, they scared him.
“He abandoned the world of wrestling and went into politics, only indulging his love for homoeroticism via occasional Presidential photoshoots.
“I went on to become a World Warrior, making the motherland proud.
“It’s with a heavy heart that I now see that Putin has become a mad dictator who cares nothing for the lives of innocent women and children.
“If you’re reading this Vladimir – next time we meet, I’m gonna break your arms. Spinning piledriver. Easy.
“In fact, I no longer wish to fight in the name of Russia.
“In future, when someone travels to my country for a fight, a dramatic voiceover will shout, ‘Ukraine!’”