Wednesday 2 March 2022 by Mark Molloy

Man who failed at abstaining from booze in January about to fail at abstaining from chocolate during Lent


man giving up chocolate for Lent

A man who failed miserably to abstain from drinking in dry January, is about to begin his failed attempt at abstaining from chocolate during Lent.

Simon Williams, who has also not been able to give up smoking this year, and abandoned his new year diet within hours, decided to give up chocolate earlier after realising it was the start of Lent and he hadn’t made a bullshit pledge to do something quite easy.

Speaking earlier he told us, “It’s going to be tough, but I think I can manage to fail at this one as well.

“I have decided to give up eating chocolate for Lent, mainly when other people are watching, so that I can say that I did something great – like when Jesus gave up pancakes or something.

“Obviously I have no intention of actually achieving this relatively simple challenge because I have absolutely no willpower at all, clearly demonstrated by my abject failure in everything I’ve tried to give up previously, having had no success whatsoever.

“However, this time I think I can do reasonably well, for at least a couple of days before I inevitably begin to cheat and sneak some chocolate back in before eventually eating a Yorkie before even eating my breakfast.

“I just hope my pain and suffering can reflect the suffering Jesus went through during his journey into the desert for 40 pancake-free days and nights.”

Asked if he has had any chocolate this morning we were told, “One Galaxy Ripple. Just ONE.”

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