Tuesday 1 March 2022 by Chris Ballard

Cockroaches and Tory MPs not that worried about nuclear apocalypse


Liz Truss armageddon

The two most indestructible pests in the world – cockroaches and Tories – are not losing any sleep over a potential atomic holocaust.

Liz Truss, UK Foreign Secretary, is writing a letter to the Russian Ambassador.

Well, ‘drawing a letter’ would be more accurate, for the missive is comprised of a hastily sketched cock and balls, the head of the penis turned into a crude likeness of President Putin.

Where a more traditional graffiti artist would have opted for droplets of semen, Ms Truss has drawn little mushroom clouds.

At the bottom of this page – this expensive page embossed with the Foreign Office watermark – the Secretary of State has written, ‘Bring it on you wanker!!’

Is Ms Truss not worried that her remarks might further fan the flames of nuclear warfare?

“Nah, I don’t give a shit,” she said, her antennae twitching in a constant search for new opportunities to make a diplomatic faux pas.

“What you have to understand is that, if we get nuked, all us Tories will crawl out of the radioactive rubble with barely a scratch on our wax-coated exoskeletons.

“All that would happen is that the general public and all flora and fauna apart from cockroaches would die – and you don’t become a Tory cabinet minister by caring about the general public or the environment.

“People can joke all they like about Boris surviving an atomic bomb by climbing into a fridge like Indiana Jones, but the simple truth is that he cannot be physically destroyed. How the hell do you think he’s still Prime Minister?

“It’s the same for all of us.

“For example, Nadine Dorries would be positively at home in a world of cockroaches – she’s used to being covered in them and actually quite enjoys eating them, particularly their anal styles, which she considers a delicacy.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg survived Hiroshima and he’ll survive anything Putin throws our way now.

“And Michael Gove’s face melted years ago, so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

“No, it will take far more than nuclear Armageddon to remove the Conservatives from office!”

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