All Ukrainian refugees to get signed photo of Priti Patel with their visa refusal, says compassionate UK government

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Following accusations that its visa policy towards Ukrainian refugees was “heartless and rabidly xenophobic ”, the government has decreed that any war refugee from Ukraine would be entitled to a free autographed photo of the woman who refused them entry to the UK.

Simon Williams MP, Junior Home Office Minister for I’m Not Prejudiced But, took time off from his busy schedule posing in front of Ukrainian flags to assure the public that the new initiative would not subject them to the horror of hearing foreign languages in Morrisons.

He went on, “We have noted the humanitarian tragedy unfolding in Eastern Europe and have initiated an emergency action plan to send meaningless tweets of support to countries who just waived their visa requirements in order to save lives.

“In addition, our government has pledged millions of pounds of completely unprovable support to countries like Poland.

“And for those Ukrainian refugees with family in the UK, we have reduced the paperwork so that they only need two, instead of three, certified copies of documents from Ukrainian institutions whose offices have been bombed into oblivion.

“What’s more, we know that families who bundled a few clothes and ran to the border as rockets fell around them might be short of cash. So they can now pay the £1,523 application fee, or £3,500 fee if you’re old or disabled, in instalments!

“As for the others, well, spring is around the corner and Romania is delightful at that time of year. Here’s a photo of a smirking sociopath who everyone suspects gets a sexual thrill from making people suffer.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to add ‘Slava Ukraini’ to all my social media posts.”