Aleksandr Orlov has issued a statement denying links to Vladimir Putin after he was added to a list of Russian Oligarchs sanctioned by the international community this morning.
Orlov, who made his first fortune by selling insurance against falling out of a high window or drinking doctored tea to fellow Russians, made the statement after Western governments moved to seize his yacht and that huge house where he eats gigantic boiled eggs covered in caviar in Kensington.
Orlov has presented a fluffy appearance to Westerners, and even supplied cuddly toys in his own image, but insiders suggest he is a member of a cabal of psychotic critters with close links to the Kremlin.
Pictures have emerged of Orlov holidaying with Putin at his palace on the Black Sea, although he has claimed these show business meetings and he ‘barely knows that Putin guy’ in recent weeks.
“When he moved to London in 2009 it was on the strict understand that he could get us a better deal on the price of gas from Russia,” said a spokesman for the EU and UK.
“Well, I think we can all agree that’s not happened this winter, and him offering us two cinema tickets if we don’t sanction him just doesn’t cut it.”