Vladimir Putin has been under a lot of stress lately, so we’re delighted to report the heartwarming story of how a group of Russia’s richest men have asked if he’d like a lovely, refreshing cup of tea today.
The oligarchs, who are tens if not hundreds of billions poorer than they were this time last week, have taken the time out of their busy day to ask the Russian president if he’d like to pause for a few minutes for a relaxing drink, and maybe a slice or two of this faintly glowing cake.
“He’s a busy man, coordinating this war which is vital for the future of the country and has cost ME ALL MY FUCKING MONEY – ahem, I mean cost so many innocent lives,” said oligarch Simeon Villiamsovitch, who until earlier today owned a lovely big yacht and several delightful villas that are now impounded in various jurisdictions across Europe.
“So me and my fellow honest businessmen have all got together to put together a nice break for him. A big pot of slightly crackling tea, some biscuits which pulse with an unearthly but entirely natural and healthy light, and a comfy chair next to a sixth-floor window.
“To help him relax, you know?”
When asked, experts said that being flat out murdered by your supporters counts as succession planning in Russian politics.