Sunday 27 February 2022 by Chris Ballard

Man statistically likely to be on toilet at moment of nuclear annihilation


Man toilet

The chances are that a man will be taking a massive dump if the UK ever gets nuked.

There’s currently a lot of talk about World War Three breaking out – a conflict that has the potential to be over in a literal flash.

But where will you be at the moment of mass immolation? If you’re a man, you’ll probably be sitting on the toilet.

“Yeah, I suspect nuclear war will catch me with my pants very much around my ankles,” said man Simon Williams.

“You might have cinematic, almost romantic notions of your last seconds in such a scenario – the whole family embracing, possibly on a beach, exchanging final endearments as the blast from a city-killer approaches from the horizon.

“But in reality, we probably won’t have a fucking clue what’s happening until it’s too late.

“I have two kids under five – the TV is always tuned to CBeebies or Netflix. The idea of ‘watching the news’ or ‘knowing what’s going on in the world’ is now just an interesting thought experiment.

“Basically, there’s no way my household is receiving any sort of four-minute warning.

“Even if there’s a local air raid siren I haven’t yet been told about, it’ll be drowned out by my youngest’s very loud, extremely charming but incredibly tuneless rendition of ‘Let It Go’.

“No, when the sky catches fire I will have undoubtedly taken myself off to the bathroom for a little quiet time.

“My last breath will be taken as I browse a list of the greatest live albums of all time on my phone, a hard, fibre-deficient stool crowning painfully in my anus.

“It is my destiny.”

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