Sunday 27 February 2022

Leeds United fire the only likeable thing about their entire club


Marcelo Bielsa

Leeds United have sacked their manager Marcelo Bielsa, removing the only remotely likeable thing in the entire club.

Leeds, who are thought of as the ‘Yorkshire Millwall’ to football fans across the country, have long cultivated a reputation for embracing their unlikeability, and club insiders were said to be uncomfortable having an eccentric manager who appeared popular amongst fans of other clubs.

Elland Road season ticket holder Simon Williams told us, “Other fans aren’t allowed to ‘like’ a Leeds United manager. That’s not how it works.  We have to be the club that everyone hates, from top to bottom.

“Bielsa spent four years ruining that reputation with attacking football, an upside-down bucket on the touchline, and a steadfast refusal to answer questions in English.

“I went to a family wedding in the midlands last summer and overheard two fans of Aston Villa and Nottingham Forest waxing lyrical about Bielsa, the job he’d done, and the type of football he played regardless of the opposition.  I was almost sick in my mouth.

“When people hear I support Leeds, I want them rolling their eyes and making that awful gutteral ‘eurgh’ sound. I don’t want them laughing and saying ‘that Bielsa is a character, isn’t he? Murder-ball? Who doesn’t love the sound of that!’.

“I for one am glad to see him gone, and can’t wait to get back to our rightful position as least popular top-flight club amongst neutrals.  Well, for as long as we remain in the top flight anyway.”

Meanwhile, fans across the country have insisted Leeds United sell Kalvin Phillips at earliest possible opportunity so they start properly enjoying his England performances without that nagging voice at the back of their mind reminding them he plays for Leeds.

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