The government has issued a public health warning about the dangers of becoming hooked on rolling news coverage of the Ukraine crisis.
What time did you go to bed last night? Ten? Eleven? Perhaps you stayed up ‘late’ until midnight?
Well, count yourself lucky, because there are many who were simply unable to drag themselves away from a 24-hour rolling news channel.
“Rolling news is a very addictive substance which is more likely to be abused by men between the ages of 25 and 45,” explained a Department of Health official.
“Aside from sleep deprivation, addicts will often sit in their own filth as the pull of a very gradually changing news commentary is greater than the pull of the lavatory.
“Serious abusers will stop eating, despite being well aware of when it’s lunchtime thanks to the ever-present on-screen clock.
“Less than two days into the Ukraine crisis and families are already being torn apart by new sufferers.”
Simon Williams is one such individual.
“I came home from the office yesterday to find both of our children screaming,” said Simon’s wife Karen.
“‘I’m hungry! I’m hungry!’ they were yelling, faces soaked with tears and snot.
“Simon was on the sofa, staring at the BBC news channel. He was still in his pyjamas. A massive urine stain spread from his crotch all the way down to his ankles.
“‘Just let me see this bit, sweetie,’ he kept saying, over and over again. ‘Just one more minute’.
“I unplugged the telly – he immediately snapped out of his trance and asked what that terrible smell was.
“I ordered him upstairs to take a shower, making him promise he’d lay off the rolling news.
“He’s still up there actually – probably reverted to his old habit of taking really long shits.
“Oh God, he’s got his phone with him! I can hear Clive Myrie!
“The bathroom door’s locked! The door’s locked!”