Vladmir Putin stands accused of seeking to cast a second darkness over the free peoples of Central Europe after an unearthly voice from his seeing-stone instructed him to send his armies into Rohan overnight.
Putin, who vainly believes himself to be an equal partner with the figure issuing him instructions, announced to his followers that “The postwar settlement will burn in the fires of war. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the orc,” before issuing orders to invade.
Previously, Putin’s infractions of international agreements had been limited to sending Fell Beasts into the No-fly zone over Dagorlad, seizing lands around Fangorn forest in violation of ancient treaty, and breeding orcs in vast numbers.
“It is this fast-breeder orc technology that concerns us, as it can be used to develop weapons-grade Uruk-Hai,” we were told.
International bodies have warned Putin to be careful of those he considers friends, pointing out there is only one Xi of the Jinpings and he does not share power.
However, some voices in the West blame the Alliance between men and elves for the conflict, pointing to troops positioned in Osgiliath and Caer Andros as having provoked a response.
Popular YouTube and Fox News pundit Grima Wormtongue told us, “What you are being told is a lie. Putin the white has forever been our friend and ally. Can you not see? People are wearied by your malcontent, your warmongering.
“Do your own research!”, he added.