“That’s it – no more Russian vodka at Downing Street work events” says Boris

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The UK is responding to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine with the harshest possible sanctions.

After being accused of deploying weak sanctions against Russia earlier this week, Britain’s reaction to the full-scale invasion of Ukraine will be a whole different matter entirely.

“Russia has huffed and puffed but it’s now time for the three billy goats to put on the glass slipper,” said Boris, who’d be more familiar with fairy tales if he spent any time reading to his children.

“A very productive Cobra meeting was held this morning. Although I couldn’t be bothered to attend it myself, some excellent measures were apparently put forward.

“From this moment on, the British taxpayer will no longer be buying Russian vodka or caviar or any of the other things necessary for Downing Street work events to be carried out effectively.

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“We’ve got loads in the cupboard anyway, so it’s no skin off our nose.

“Russian billionaires will no longer receive Christmas cards from Number 10, no matter how much they donate to the Tory party – unless it’s, like, a load, obviously.

“There are concerns that Russia could, in turn, retaliate by launching a cyberattack on the UK, targeting the government website, for example.

“Has anyone ever used the government gateway site? Incorrect information, broken links, painfully slow loading times – any sort of cyber attack could only make it better!

“Our broken infrastructure, rising cost of living and disintegrating public services represent our best line of defence because there’s not much left that’s actually worth attacking.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is probably the ultimate benefit of Brexit.”

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