New bill proposes anyone doing lachrymose piano covers of classic pop songs in adverts will face death penalty

author avatar by 2 years ago

A new bill is set to be introduced in Parliament that will see anyone who produces a lachrymose piano cover version of a classic pop song for use in an advert to face the death penalty.

It is thought the bill has overwhelming cross-party support.

“It was the miserable, funereal version of Together in Electric Dreams in that John Lewis advert that swung it for me,” explained MP Simon Williams, who has proposed the bill.

“One of the greatest, most joyous pop songs of all time and they turned it into a deeply unpleasant mushy dirge that if you played it at a funeral would have the corpse jump out of the coffin and go ‘for Christ’s sake lads, haven’t we got anything more cheerful’.”

“Then we’ve got the Lloyds advert which takes a lachrymose piano ballad – We’ve Only Just Begun – and goes ‘nah, not miserable and dirgey enough’ and produces one of the most horrible cover versions of all time.

NewsThump Best sellers

Time after Time for McDonalds, Always On My Mind for Guinness, I’m fairly sure someone did something appalling to Nena’s 99 Red Balloons as well. These people must be stopped.”

Mr Williams canvased friends and constituents as to what should be done.

“Overwhelmingly, people said everyone involved should be put to death. Now, I’m no fan of the death penalty, but when it comes to things like Together in Electric Dreams, you have to make a stand.”

It is thought the bill will be rushed through in an urgent Parliamentary session that could see Channel 4 and ITV watchable again as early as next month.