There is rising panic within the UK middle classes that war in Europe will lead to something truly horrible – like rationing of essential items such as houmous and organic kale crisps.
War is fought on many fronts.
Soldiers kill and are killed.
Senior politicians spend sleepless nights working out how they can make money out of the situation.
And Waitrose shoppers tough it out by sacrificing artisan cornflakes.
“It’s alright for Tesco shoppers – they don’t know any better,” said middle-class wanker Simon Williams.
“But for those of us who’ve not only heard of quinoa, but eat it regularly, war will hit hard.
“Even at the height of the pandemic, it was unimaginable that I’d be sending my children to school without a houmous dip for the carrot sticks in their lunch box.
“That’s now a very real possibility. Such are the horrors of war, I suppose.
“But we will be strong, just like our grandparents were before us. I imagine a new world war will come with its own set of inspiring and motivating slogans:
“Stop feeding your corgi chicken ballotine dog food for victory.
“Make do and have chicken eggs rather than pheasant eggs for breakfast.
“Careless consumption of avocado and smoked ricotta pesto costs dinner parties.
“Putin will send no warning – so always carry your gingerbread tennis players.
“You know, that sort of thing.
“I just hope they don’t run out of Earl Gray almonds – but I guess such extreme scenarios are what the cyanide pills are for.”