Vladimir Putin has ensured playground fisticuffs will be kept to a minimum after handing a ‘peacekeeping’ weapon to the main aggressor.
Twelve-year-old Simon Williams is a bully who likes to punch other children in the stomach and steal their dinner money.
“This violence is not acceptable,” said an inexplicably topless President Putin.
“I have therefore decided to act as a peacekeeper and give Simon a catapult, pea shooter and knuckle dusters.
“I also recognise Simon’s claim to the other children’s dinner money and encourage them to hand it over without a struggle.
“I don’t think those children ever really had their own money, did they? It was always their parents’ intention for it to end up in Simon’s pockets so he could go and spend it on gobstoppers and popping candy.
“I do trust this will prevent any further violence. It would be regrettable if I had to defend Simon by unleashing my viscous Abyssinian Wire-Haired Tripe Hound.
“Now excuse me, I have to go and judo throw a leopard because I’m incredibly manly.”
UK Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has condemned the Russian President’s actions.
“Putin is obviously a highly intelligent individual who’s well-versed in complex military textbooks that I don’t really understand, such as the Beano,” she said.
“We will respond by imposing a set of sanctions that will strike at his most critical vulnerabilities. I came up with them myself and they are very clever indeed.
“Obviously I can’t say what they are without compromising national security.“
Is it nipple tweaking?
“It is nipple tweaking, yes.”