Tuesday 22 February 2022 by Arabin Patson

Neighbour’s cat recognises independence of your flower bed


Cat declares flower bed independent

An aggressive tom named Vladimir has unilaterally decreed that your flower bed was a sovereign state, free of your yoke, and insisted it had no choice but to dig up the Bergenia bulbs you just planted and shit all over the wreckage.

Vladimir, who lives with, or rules over, the Vatnik family, explained that you were at fault in this situation and that any destruction of your lawn furniture was a precautionary measure against “your historic aggression towards the Vatnik household.”

“We Vatniks have long memories and we remember the dark years of your children trying to grab swishing tails of innocent cats sitting on the fence.

“We will never again allow the flower bed to be used as a staging post for incursions into our territory on the pretence of retrieving a ball.

“We do not want conflict. But we see the constant additions to your garden such as lawn sprinklers and play equipment for yet more little grabby humans. So if the aphids of your flower bed call for our help before you can slaughter them with organic pesticides, we will help them in their quest for freedom by taking complete control over their lives.”

This was not the first incident of antisocial behaviour by Vladimir.

The mercurial moggy now has complete control over the bird bath at number 15 after a ruthless annexation from the Jones’ mackerel tabby. Additionally, following an incident where little Milly rescued a vole he was torturing, Vladimir is said to have entred the Salisbury’s house and killed the poor rodent while it was being nursed back to health.”

Asked why he was such a nasty little shit, Vladimir was succinct.

“Because I want to be, and you’re too weak to stop me.”

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