Boris Johnson to sanction Russia by only letting them launder money on weekdays

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In response to Vladimir Putin’s continued aggression towards Ukraine, Boris Johnson has issued a tough new sanction against Russia by introducing a tough new law that will effectively ban Russian nationals from laundering money on weekends.

Thousands of Russian businessmen freely use London to launder huge amounts of illegal money and up until now have been largely ignored by the recent Tory Governments. Entirely coincidentally, many of these same Russian businessmen are enthusiastic donors to the Tory party.

“Preventing Russian nationals from laundering money on the weekends is going to make things slightly more inconvenient for them,” said Mr Johnson.

“And I think that by making things slightly more inconvenient for them, we’ll really show just how serious we are about Russian actions towards Ukraine.”

The new sanction will prevent banks and other financial institutions opening up over the weekend at the requests of Russian ‘businessmen’ to arrange for large sums of money of unknown providence being deposited or withdrawn.

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Instead, they will be told to try again on Monday.

It had been suggested that perhaps Mr Johnson actually put a stop to any and all Russian money-laundering in Britain. However, Mr Johnson was not prepared to go that far.

All of the money-laundering? Well, goodness me. I mean, that seems a little strong, doesn’t it? It’s not like they’ve launched a nuclear attack or anything.”