Exhausted Daily Mail staff have admitted defeat in their attempts to blame Prince Andrew’s settlement with Virginia Giuffre on Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.
Some of the brightest minds in tabloid journalism locked themselves away on Tuesday afternoon determined to link the latest royal scandal to Meghan Markle, but have finally realised their efforts will remain fruitless.
A source told us, “We locked the door, and put a sign up saying ‘Operation Blame Meghan’. We were so confident going in on Tuesday afternoon. After all, Meghan is American, and Virginia Giuffre is American, how hard could it be to link them? So that was something we spent many hours on.
“Do you know the Kevin Bacon degrees of separation theory? We figured if we looked hard enough we could definitely link Giuffre to Meghan. But the closest we got was discovering Giuffre watched Meghan in the first two seasons of Suits.
“We actually had an expose ready to go about how Meghan’s character – a lawyer – had inspired Virginia to launch a legal war to take down the monarchy, but then we discovered it wasn’t her Netflix account, but her friends, who had given the password to about a dozen people. That was hugely disappointing.
“Then we focussed on whether there was enough of a link to argue that Meghan had destroyed all the evidence Prince Andrew might have relied on in court, like destroying his Pizza Express receipts and deleting the medical records that proved he can’t sweat. It looked promising until we realised we had absolutely no evidence for that whatsoever.
“Yes, we know that hasn’t stopped us before, but Meghan not only sues us when we lie about her, she also wins – so we have to be a little more careful these days.
“We’ll probably do something next week about Meghan refusing to contribute to Prince Andrews settlement fund. Our readers seem perfectly happy with the Queen paying for it, so the fact that Meghan isn’t should be enough to remind our readers why they hate her again.”