Thursday 17 February 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Boris to fill out new police questionnaire as original rendered illegible by beer stains and fag-burns


boris johnson police questionnaire

Boris Johnson has been ordered by the police to fill out a new version of the questionnaire regarding lockdown parties, as the original one was returned covered in so many beer stains and fag-burns that it proved illegible.

“It looked like the Prime Minister had written ‘0’ next to the ‘number of parties attended’ question, but there was a big splodge of beer there, so it was really hard to be certain,” explained Simon Williams, a Met Police representative.

“The whole document was covered in beer; one corner had been burnt off with a cigarette. I’m fairly sure that a used condom had been peeled off of page two before they’d sent it. I suppose we should be grateful that they’d bothered to do that.

“The question of how much Boris had to drink was impossible to read, there was the beer stain, but it looked like someone had rubbed some Monster Munch crumbs over the question. No idea why. The things you do when you’re drink, eh?

“There was also some white powder in the bottom of the envelope that the questionnaire had been returned in, so we assume he got that from Michael Gove’s office.”

Number Ten have immediately moved to play down the incident, with an aide offering a completely plausible explanation.

“They were work beer-stains and fag-burns.”

Mr Bullshit – get the Boris Mr Men mug here!

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