Report: Vladimir Putin hasn’t got the plums

author avatar by 2 years ago

Russian premier Vladimir Putin hasn’t got the fuckin plums for a scrap against targets who might shoot back, according to reports today.

Putin, who stood to lose his rather nice villa in the South of France and that great big yacht sitting in a German boatyard if he tried anything, has apparently decided to tell everyone that he’s won and is going home of his own accord – where he will pick easy fights against punk bands and political opponents who aren’t armed, because that’s all he is.

Several senior figures close to the Kremlin have confirmed that Russia loves peace really if it means their children don’t have to come home from Eton and they get to keep their lovely expensive condos in New York.

Meanwhile, figures inside NATO indicated that after negotiations they have agreed to tell everyone how big and clever Putin is and what a tough statesman he has proven to be, so long as he gets back in his box.

“By avoiding conflict, we have saved billions of dollars and many lives,” said Kremlin spokesman Simeon Villiamsovitch.

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“Specifically our bank accounts in Europe, and my life when everyone came for me for losing their money too.

“How anyone believed we would ever get involved in a land war in Asia in winter is beyond me. Stupid westerners Ha! Ha! Ha! Now will you unlock my accounts, please?”