Scientists have confirmed the shocking news that it’s actually only been six weeks since Christmas rather than, as many people have assumed, 4-5 months.
“We have concluded a week-long investigation into the current time and can conclude that it’s only the middle of February and therefore only six weeks have passed since Christmas,” said Simon Williams, Professor of Calendars at Oxford University.
“I must confess that we are as shocked as anyone by this new revelation. I mean, we’re scientists, so I don’t think we assumed that it had been 4-5 months since Christmas like normal people have, but we certainly thought it must be at least the end of March by now.”
The news has been greeted with dismay by many.
“Six weeks? Six f**king weeks?” said Eleanor Gay, a part-time Showjumper from Bridlington.
“You’re joking aren’t you? Christ, I thought it was Easter in a couple of weeks. This winter’s been going on for about a hundred years, hasn’t it? Six weeks! I can’t believe that. Can we get these so-called scientists to recheck their work? Perhaps they forgot to carry the one or something, because there is no way that it’s only been six weeks since Christmas.”
The results of the study would appear to indicate that Spring is still several months away and summer is even longer. However, Professor Williams was not prepared to speculate on that right away.
“I think everyone is still reeling from the results of this study. No one is ready to cope with quite how far away summer is at this time.
“I suggest everyone takes a moment to come to terms with it only being six weeks since Christmas, then we’ll start work on an investigation into how far away summer is.
“I would suggest, though, that people steel themselves for some bad news.”