Monday 14 February 2022 by Jack Marshall

Public urged not to approach bow-wielding maniac


angry cupid

Police searching for the whereabouts of a bow-wielding maniac have urged the public not to approach him.

A huge manhunt is underway for the man, known only as Cupid, after hundreds of people reported being struck by his arrows.

While physically unharmed, the victims were left with an erroneous belief that they could write poetry, a craving to have all their meals by candlelight and a dramatically increased tendency to make proposals of marriage.

It’s believed that the antisocial archer is being aided and abetted by a consortium of the UK’s most powerful restaurants, florists and jewellers. It’s feared that The League of Wedding Planners may also be involved.

Cupid is described as winged, approximately 2ft tall and incredibly cute. He has a tattoo of a heart on his left arm and was last seen wearing a white toga.

The police have urged the public not to be deceived by the suspect’s seemingly harmless appearance.

“Make no mistake; we’re dealing with a very dangerous individual who has carried out a number of random and unprovoked attacks. He’s definitely not just an adorable flying baby” said Detective Inspector Simon Williams.

It’s hoped that an upcoming Crimewatch reconstruction – starring David Tennant as Cupid – will provide the police with some much needed new leads.

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