Tuesday 8 February 2022 by Chris Ballard

Shock as people on the street recognise Keir Whatsisface


Keir Starmer

There’s been widespread disbelief that a group of protesters successfully identified the leader of the Labour party.

Yesterday a number of people heckled Keir Starmer in Westminster.

“We were all shocked,” said Starmer’s personal bodyguard Simon Williams. “I’ve worked for Mr Starmer for five years and I still need to check his ID in the morning to make sure I’m protecting the right bloke.

“Honestly, if I met him out of context at the weekend I’d shake his hand and say, ‘Pleased to meet you.’

“He’s so uncharismatic he’s almost invisible.

“Cars don’t stop for him when he’s waiting at a zebra crossing.

“Automatic doors never seem to register his presence.

“It’s amazing how often birds simply fly into his face.

“It’s almost as if he doesn’t really exist.”

So how did the protesters recognise him?

“We got lucky,” said Dave, a protester.

“We were walking down Embankment when suddenly Pete shouted, ‘There’s the Brylcreem guy!’

“To be honest it took me a while to spot him, even though he was right in front of me!

“Anyway, given we were near the Houses of Parliament we thought it was worth a pop, so started shouting our wittiest abuse.

“Of course, the media just reported one of us shouting ‘Jimmy Savile!’ but that was just Dan getting Keir Whatsisface’s name wrong.

“I still didn’t think it was him until all those coppers turned up and bundled him into a car.”

Starmer himself said, “It was a frightening experience which wasn’t helped by the fact that the police grabbed the wrong man and whisked him away from danger, leaving me standing on the pavement like a lemon.

“Luckily, the remaining protesters didn’t realise and went home.”

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