Boris Johnson, Prime Minister for at least the next twenty minutes, has pledged to hold an inquiry to get to the bottom of exactly who it was who recently repeated claims that Sir Keir Starmer had failed to prosecute paedophile Jimmy Saville.
The pledge comes in the wake of a mob surrounding Starmer in the streets outside parliament, jostling him and chanting phrases like ‘traitor’, ‘paedophile protector’, and ‘thanks Boris Johnson for letting everyone know that Keir Starmer chose not to prosecute Jimmy Saville’.
“I was horrified by the scenes outside parliament yesterday,” said Mr Johnson, whose nose appeared to grow a little as he spoke.
“I have recently been told by my advisors that claims about the leader of the opposition and Jimmy Saville were made a week ago.
“This is, of course, very troubling and, as such, I have ordered an inquiry into exactly what went on. It’s important to get to the bottom of exactly who said what, where, and to whom.”
It was then put to the Prime Minister that it was he who had accused Starmer of failing to prosecute Jimmy Saville and that he made the claim during a Parliamentary debate to a television audience of millions.
“I think it’s best that we await the results of the inquiry rather than try to pre-empt any conclusions it might draw,” said the PM.
“Um. Did I mention we did a brilliant vaccine rollout?”