NHS waiting lists disappear overnight after government suddenly remembers the 40 new hospitals they built

author avatar by 2 years ago

Government plans to reduce NHS waiting lists have today been declared redundant after officials suddenly remembered the forty new hospitals they had built since Boris Johnson became Prime Minister.

A Department for Health and Social Care official told us, “This morning Sajid Javid has been doing the media rounds talking about the NHS waiting lists, plans to increase funding and recruitment for the NHS, and anything else he can think of to avoid discussing the mass exodus of senior advisors from Downing Street, Jimmy Savile, or how Boris is totally under Carrie’s thumb.

“But he’d completely forgotten, as had we, that Boris Johnson rode triumphantly into Number Ten on a pledge to build forty new hospitals, and he’s certainly not one to tell lies or break promises.”

He continued, “These forty new, large, fully staffed hospitals will help massively with the backlog, so Sajid Javid needn’t have worried about it – the waiting lists should be cleared in no time.”

Simon Williams, a friend of Matt Hancock’s, whose shed was declared to be a new and fully functioning hospital because it had some plasters and two boxes of Paracetamol in it, told us, “The hospital at the end of my garden will play a key role in reducing waiting lists, absolutely.

“At least, I think it will.

“Before he was fired for shagging a colleague Matt gave me a million quid and said he’d take over running the shed – I mean hospital – and I’ve now retired to France.”

Mr Bullshit – get the Boris Mr Men Mug here!