Vehicular collisions have asked the media to stop connecting them to the Culture Secretary’s disastrous interviews where she reminds everybody of the kind of spiteful gin-sponge who would ruin her daughter’s wedding just to be the centre of attention.
Incident SW834568-283, a frontal collision with no casualties on a country lane blind spot near Darlington, confirmed that he and his fellow car crashes were feeling victimised by the constant association with Nadine Dorries.
He went on, “We’re already pretty unpopular to start with. So it doesn’t help when we’re linked to some ghastly creature who can’t deal with basic interview questions without reacting like a frightened cow that’s chomped on some magic mushrooms.
“Car crashes like me have meaning. Take a basic cracked axle after an 18-year-old tried to J-turn his mom’s Renault Clio but hit the pavement. It’s all about the dangers of hopeful optimism and the lust for life of youth. Where’s the hope in Nadine Dorries or the needlessly aggressive word salads she throws out to defend the indefensible?
“Or consider a five-car pile-up on a motorway. It’s a solemn, terrible event. It’s a warning, a horror, a shock and a tragedy all in one. People’s pasts erased and their futures stopped in the blink of an eye and a screech of torn metal. It is a deep and important event.
“So why does everyone compare it to someone who has no more agency or lasting significance than an unpleasant fart in a lift?
“Hate us car crashes if you will, but please allow us our dignity.”