Declaring that they “finally had something to get excited about”, the entire Uyghur Muslim population of China couldn’t contain their glee this morning at the prospect of two weeks of non-stop snow games in the Beijing Winter Olympics.
Speaking from various detention centres and re-education camps dotted across northwestern China, the beleaguered people expressed their delight that from today there will be hours of action on the slopes to enjoy.
“Let the hijinks begin!” exclaimed one stick-thin man, taking a split second pause from the back-breaking labour he is forced to do for 18 hours a day by the Chinese government, before a guard whipped him back to work.
“It really makes me smile to know that delegations from around the world are here in China to soak in what we do best – brutal repression of ethnic minorities,” said a small child from her cell in a Xinjiang internment facility.
Detainees in the concentration camps heaped praise on the “integrity” and “moral strength” of sportspeople and world leaders taking the brave ethical stand of saying absolutely nothing about the Uyghurs’ predicament while the Games take place.
“Watching westerners roll stones and knuckle-dragging Americans whack one another with sticks will give me much needed relief from the horrific reality of my day-to-day life,” declared a skeletal woman, between sobs.
“Who could think about their child and husband being ripped from them forever when the downhill slalom is on?
“Thank you beloved President Xi for bringing such honour to China. Can I go home to my family now?”