‘Wine Friday’ cancelled this week as no one is left to attend it

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The customary ‘wine Friday’ celebrations have been cancelled in Downing Street this week after it transpired that there would be no one remaining there to take part.

Following the resignations today of Boris Johnson’s Head of Policy, Director of Communications, Private Secretary and Chief of Staff, the decision was made to cancel ‘wine Friday’ as even Boris would not be able to get through a whole suitcase of wine all by himself, not when he’d have already had one at lunchtime.

Simon Williams, the Downing Street staff member who drew the short straw to stay behind to lock up and turn off all the lights told reporters, “This has certainly put a damper on the weekly piss-up – ahem, I mean ‘work meeting’ – that we have each Friday afternoon, just after the cabinet have finished their afternoon Gin and Tonics.”

He explained, “Boris could have had a quiet night in getting sloshed with his mistress, Miss ████████, but even she’s not returning his calls at the moment – it’s almost like some women are only attracted to power and then when it appears to be slipping away their affections fade away like Boris’s chances of seeing another Christmas in Number Ten.”

“Even Dilyn the dog has buggered off in an attempt to distance himself from the shame of being associated with Boris Johnson; he’s gone back to the rescue centre they got him from.

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“Such a shame Jimmy Savile isn’t around anymore, he’d have happily popped round for a drink or two with his close mate Boris.”

Mr Bullshit – get the Boris Mr Men mug here!