Friday 4 February 2022 by Arabin Patson

Boris totally meant to pass out and shit himself, insist loyal Tory MPs


MPs defend Boris

Backbench Conservative MPs hoping for a promotion have tried to explain that the Prime Minister soiling himself while in a drunken stupor was not another humiliating disaster but was always his intention and actually he was delivering on his promises.

Simon Williams MP, a ‘red wall’ conservative MP who deleted 12,000 social media posts when he got elected, said that Boris Johnson was getting on with the job when he was found unconscious on an office sofa with faeces slowly inching its way down his trouser leg.

He explained, “It’s not an abject failure at all. On Monday, Boris said he was going to end the drinking culture in Downing Street and now I can guarantee that no one is going to want to crack open the vino after seeing their boss reduced to a fetid shell of a man utterly bereft of dignity.”

“Of course, the left-wing media like to portray this as yet another incident of moral weakness and laughable incompetence, like the way half his senior advisers resigned and called him an utter shit in their resignation letters that they gave to journalists. But, just like that incident, this was Boris’ politically savvy at work.

“When I meet my constituents on the doorstep, everyone is asking me about why our PM is a dissolute immoral fuck-up who will even use sex abuse victims to distract from his glaring flaws. But no one is asking me about the highest COVID death toll in Europe, the billions clearly swindled in the PPE gold rush or a cost of living crisis that will make most families drop two socioeconomic bands by August.

“Pure shit-stained genius.”

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