Boris announces new policy head is angry, red-faced man from down the pub

author avatar by 2 years ago

Boris Johnson has wasted no time replacing Munira Mirza with the announcement that his new policy head is to be an angry, red-faced man from down the pub.

“I’m tremendously excited about welcoming an angry, red-faced man from the pub into my team,” said Mr Johnson.

“He smells a bit of wee, and keeps nodding off. But his ideas are exactly the sort of thing that will revitalise my Government after these past few months.”

The angry, red-faced man from down the pub then stepped up to introduce himself with a largely incoherent rant that appeared to be mainly racist in nature and alluded to his desire to have sexual relations with ‘that Evangeline Lilly off of Lost,’ before vomiting on his own shoes and slumping to the floor.

“Tremendous!” Exclaimed Boris.

It is understood that, under the instruction of angry, red-faced man from down the pub, Number 10 will now focus on the following policies

  • ‘Sending them all back.’
  • War with France
  • Bringing back pictures of women on those cards with all the bags of peanuts on behind the bar.

There is no word on who will replace the Prime Minister’s principal private secretary but it is understood that Boris has stipulated that it should be ‘someone with big tits’.