Thursday 3 February 2022 by Chris Ballard

Tories promise to make the North as expensive and overcrowded as the South


Michael Gove levelling up the north

The UK Government has unveiled plans to make the country’s poorer areas as horrendously pricey and overpopulated as its more prosperous regions.

Levelling Up Secretary Michael Gove, visibly still amazed that that’s an actual job, said, “Regional inequality will soon be a relic of the past, like the BBC or the NHS.

“In this robust strategy that’s coming to me as I speak, northern areas like Leicester will no longer sit in the shadow of the southeast.

“By the year – ooh, let’s say 2030 cos it sounds near enough to make a difference but just far enough away for me to hope that I’ll no longer be responsible – the transport infrastructure outside the M25 will be just as hazardously overcrowded and unreliable as the tube.

“Broadband speeds in rural areas will theoretically increase. However, in practice, the new overwhelming demand will strain services to point of uselessness.

“Best cancel that Netflix subscription now.

“And of course, classroom sizes will double in size. Your child’s teacher won’t even be able to remember their name, let alone ensure that work is tailored to their own unique ability and learning preferences.

“As a result of these fantastic changes, people in the North will become as happy as those living in the South. That is to say, they’ll become deeply unhappy.

“At best, they’ll be overcome with a deep-rooted ennui that will eventually evolve into suicidal ideation.

“Right, I’m off to snort a shitload of cocaine. As a member of the wealthy metropolitan elite, it’s the only way I can attain a brief sensation of joy.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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