After a turbulent few months, Prime Minister and shithead Boris Johnson is ‘back to his old self’ again after reportedly shagging his secretary and accepting a bribe from a Russian Tory donor.
“It was terribly concerning to see Boris so downhearted over the lockdown party scandal,” said Simon Williams, a Tory MP and one of the few people on earth who was born without a spine.
“He was just morose, quiet, and down-in-the-mouth. He even, apparently, started trying to behave like a normal, responsible politician. Now, though, he’s bounced back to the Boris everyone loves – a corrupt sex-pest!
“Just seeing him bounding around Westminster with his flies undone and pockets full of Russian cash gladdens the heart. He’s the man with the common touch that all the voters love.”
Tory supporters also seem glad to have the old Boris back again.
“He’s such a character,” said Simon Williams, a Boris supporter who last had an original thought in 1989.
“You don’t want some boring old man in charge. Boris is just a bit more fun. He cheers you up, doesn’t he? Yes, he’s corrupt, venal, cruel, unpleasant, and won’t lift a finger to help anyone other than himself, but they’re all like that aren’t they?
“If he wants to get off with whoever he likes then that doesn’t affect his day-job. What powerful men don’t have affairs and what-have-you. And taking bribes from powerful Russians? We’d all do it if we could.
“I’m just glad he’s back to being the Boris we all voted for.”
It is understood that Boris is planning a party to celebrate surviving the lockdown party scandal, and has already bought a couple of suitcases full of booze.