Ukrainians thank Boris Johnson for reminding them that there are worse fates for a country than war

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The fearful residents of Kyiv have expressed gratitude to the UK after a visit by the Prime Minister allowed Ukrainians to understand that, even though the world’s fifth-largest army was poised to attack them, at least they weren’t led by a grotesque untrustworthy buffoon.

Semyon Vilyamsko, reservist in Ukraine’s national guard, said that his spirits were lifted after the PM’s appearance as, although his country might not exist next week, he will never feel the shame of having to say “that talking sack of weasel shit is my leader.”

He went on, “It’s been a rough month. We train and run ambush drills around the neighbourhood but I’m not confident that we’ll last long against armoured divisions from an army that could not give a fuck about human rights.

“But then we watched that imbecile flop down the steps of his aircraft, maskless despite his cabinet colleague testing positive for COVID a few days ago, and I told myself that if I die at least I’ll never have been ruled by someone like that creature.

“And he also provided so much comedy. We all know he wanted to look like Churchill. But as soon as he stopped talking all your journalists just asked him why he was a lying turd who’s so desperate he has to go full Q Anon to deflect questions. Haven’t had a good laugh in weeks, but that was hilarious.”

Mr Vilyamsko was asked if he had hoped Boris Johnson had arrived with more tangible commitments to Ukrainian sovereignty like troops deployment.

He added, “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but if the Russians are so contemptuous of you that they’ll happily use chemical warfare in the streets of Salisbury, I don’t think a few squaddies trying to get clear orders from a bumbling pisshead in Downing Street will stop them.”