Michael Gove, Minister for Levelling Up and twice winner of Slimy Creep Monthly’s Man of the Year, has announced plans to build a series of moving platforms that will form the basis of the Government’s long-mooted ‘levelling up’ agenda.
The platforms will be various heights and will move up and down in order to level people up.
“Levelling up is vital. Vital to getting this country back on its feet after the huge success of Brexit,” explained Gove.
“We’ve seen people ask ‘well, what is levelling up?’ ‘Is levelling up real?’ and ‘why are you such an appalling shit?’
“Well, I think this will answer all these questions.”
Mr Gove explained how the platforms will work.
“Well, I think that’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? People will come along and stand or sit on one of the platforms, then the platform will be raised which will see that person ‘level up’ to a higher level. Once they have finished levelling up then someone else will be able to do the same.”
Prime Minister Boris Johnson hailed the plans.
“I think that this will finally silence all those people who have claimed that ‘levelling up’ is nothing more than empty sloganeering without any substance. When those people stand on one of our platforms and level up, I think they’ll have to eat their words.”
However, despite the bold words from the Government, many experts believe there isn’t the money available to build the number of platforms promised and that, over the next year, the Government will quietly cut back on their levelling up agenda until it is nothing more than a wooden pallet on a fork-lift truck in a car-park in Croydon.