The British Prime Minister has today warned the Russian President in the strongest terms not to invade Ukraine, and that any incursion over the border will be met by a show of Colin-The-Caterpillar strength force.
“The eyes of the world are currently fixed on Putin’s activity on the Ukrainian border, for which I am thankful,” Boris Johnson told the press in Kiev this morning, trying without success to hide his hangover from the suitcase of wine he’d consumed on the flight over.
“And I am warning Putin now, that if his troops set just one foot across the border, they will be ambushed by a cake within seconds.”
He explained, “I was subject to a military strength ambush-by-cake tactic on my birthday last year, and let me tell you, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I even dropped my champagne!”
Seemingly content that he had demonstrated he was just as strong a leader in a time of international conflict as Winston Churchill, Boris Johnson then let off a dozen party poppers in the embassy before ripping his shirt off, slapping the backside of the nearest aide and necking half a bottle of Malbec that he’d had the forethought to hide in his briefcase.
A spokesperson for Vladimir Putin responded with a wink, “We would not dream of entering Ukraine, and even when we do at some point next week, you will have to wait until Sue Gray, who we will task with investigating our invasion, releases her report in full before you can take any action against us.”