Boris Johnson accuses Keir Starmer of failing to prosecute Jack the Ripper

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In a diversion from his prepared remarks on the publication of Sue Gray’s interim report into Number 10 lockdown parties, Boris Johnson has called Labour leader Keir Starmer out for his inability to locate Jack the Ripper, 100 years before his birth.

Flailing wildly for an attack line on the leader of the opposition, the Prime Minister rallied against calls for his resignation by demanding Starmer apologise for letting down the good people of Whitehall so badly over the sordid matter of the Ripper killings.

“He stands there, accusing me of unlawful behaviour; the man who spent more time persecuting lovable workhouse owners than trying to protect the citizens of Victorian London,” burbled Boris in a baffling non-sequitur.

“If the Right Honourable Gentleman had shown a little more forethought, and a little less hindsight, he would have caught Saucy Jacky and banished him to Australia before he’d finished his first kidney.”

When asked by the Speaker where he had found this information, the PM alleged that “it appears in a work by one of this proud nation’s most eminent sons: Charles Dickens, Mr Speaker. And if I may say so, if the Honourable Member opposite doesn’t like it, then he is not a patriot and he is worse than Hitler, the Kaiser, and Oliver Cromwell combined. He hates this country, Mr Speaker, and he wanted those poor prostitutes to die.”

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“There, that should do the trick,” remarked Mr Johnson audibly to the Chancellor as he retook his seat to stunned silence on both sides of the house.

As the debate raged on, Johnson moved on to accusing Starmer of gross negligence for neglecting to bring Cain to justice over the slaying of his brother in Biblical times.

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