32 perfectly innocent reasons why Russian troops might be massing near the Ukrainian border

author avatar by 2 years ago
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The Russian government has asked people not to get too hasty in assuming troops on the Ukraine border means an imminent invasion, and has offered 32 perfectly reasonable explanations for everyone to choose from.

  1. President Putin thinks he dropped his wallet there, so he sent his army out to look for it.
  2. There are some lovely views.
  3. Mr Putin actually sent them to the Latvian border, but they got lost.
  4. They’re geocaching.
  5. The cell phone reception is much better along there.
  6. Someone told them they could see the Winchester cathedral spire from there.
  7. They’re organising a football tournament and there’s a lot of good, wide-open, flat spaces in that area.
  8. One soldier’s mum lives in a nearby town, so they all went to visit.
  9. A mass sleepwalking event.
  10. Aliens kidnapped the army and dropped them back on the planet near the border.
  11. They were getting a train to Moscow and had to change at the border.
  12. The weather’s lovely round there at this time of the year.
  13. They just went out for walk.
  14. A rare bird was sighted in the vicinity and a lot of Russian soldiers are keen bird-watchers.
  15. It’s the border with Ukraine? They didn’t even notice.
  16. They’re playing Hide and Seek. Don’t tell the other team!
  17. One of the soldiers remembered a bakery in a nearby village that does lovely cakes, so they all came to try some.
  18. They’re playing Pokemon Go and a rare Vulpix is in the area.
  19. They’re worried Ukraine might invade.
  20. There’s a great view from there of the Lyrids Meteor Shower in April and they want to be prepared.
  21. They all got drunk and wandered off.
  22. They were checking to see if everything looked normal.
  23. An old lady’s cat had gone missing, and they didn’t want it accidentally getting into Ukraine.
  24. They wanted to protect Ukraine from any wild monsters that might be in the area.
  25. Someone in a nearby town was selling a 2007 Toyota Corolla in fantastic condition and the army wanted to have a look at it.
  26. They’re picking flowers to take home to their mothers
  27. Their GPS sent them the wrong way.
  28. Someone reported a shifty looking character in the area and they’ve gone to investigate.
  29. There’s a nice river nearby and they wanted a swim.
  30. There’s a surprisingly good live music scene in the area.
  31. Someone was having a party and Geoff said it was fine if they all came.
  32. They got sucked into one of those wormholes across space and time you hear about and it deposited them all on the Ukrainian border.