Culture Minister Nadine Dorries, who loves the Prime Minister so much she’s just going to burst, has been offered the role of ‘idiot’ at a Sussex Village, it has been revealed.
The village of Hassocks has been without an idiot since the previous incumbent lost his life in an incident with a bucket of water.
“Our previous village idiot was tremendous,” said Hassocks counsellor Simon Williams.
“He was really, really stupid. Monumentally thick. A genuine first-class idiot. He was once locked in debate with a hedge for six hours, and lost. He spent an hour hitting his own head with a hammer to see if it would hurt less. He believed a local badger was former President Bill Clinton. He was staggeringly dense. So, as you can imagine, he’s been incredibly difficult to replace.
“However, after seeing Nadine Dorries’ breath-taking, heroic idiocy displayed during any and all appearances on television in defence of Boris Johnson in recent weeks, we think she could be perfect for the role.”
Ms Dorries, previously best known for proving that you are what you eat after consuming an animal anus live on television, was promoted to the post of Culture Minister because the Prime Minister doesn’t really understand what ‘culture’ means, and couldn’t be bothered to look it up.
She is said to be considering the offer of Village Idiot but, modestly, is a little concerned that it might prove too demanding for her.