A televised plea for Christian forgiveness by the Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Michael Gove, has caused Jesus of Nazareth, a popular deity, to break his characteristic silence and declare that Mr Gove could “fucking do one”.
Speaking through an apparition over a meadow just south of Crawley, Jesus Ben Joseph the Lamb of God explained that he did not like to concern himself with worldly affairs but there was no way he would let his good name be used by “such a malevolent cunt.”
He went on, “I do not like being here. I do most of my work in heaven or Latin American slums. I’ve kind of written off England since that fat king just decided church was only there to justify his philandering. At best, if I’m feeling cheeky, I might put my face on a Ginsters chicken and mushroom slice, but that’s it.
“But then I heard that some vile little coke-head who looks like a rejected proposal for a Thunderbirds villain was claiming my believers should just let Boris Johnson get away with shit.
“Listen, I’ll admit I’ve not always been crystal clear about what I want. I probably should have stepped in when Americans decided my teachings were all about hating the gays. But there is no misinterpretation, deviation or perversion of my teachings so heretic that it includes letting Tory wankers off the hook.”
Mr Gove was not available for comment as he was in a yeshiva trying to convince Talmudic scholars that letting a leader lie with impunity was a mitzvah.
The Cabinet of Arseholes – featuring Boris AND Gove, get yours HERE!