Tuesday 25 January 2022 by Chris Ballard

‘So we’re calling cake, pass the parcel and musical chairs a ‘party’ now?’ asks Nadine Dorries


Nadine Dorries party

The Culture Secretary is questioning whether an event which involved an appearance by Mr Wimpy and a game of pass the parcel should actually be referred to as a ‘party’.

Nadine Dorries doesn’t think the Prime Minister had a birthday party in Downing Street – despite the presence of some high profile entertainers and lots of cake, balloons and games.

“No way was that a party,” said the Culture Secretary, who’s most familiar with the sort of culture which allows bacteria to thrive on the anus of a dead ostrich.

“Yes, there was an oversized beefeater with very sexy legs overseeing a game of pass the parcel, but that was probably Chris Whitty’s way of spicing up his daily presentation of Covid data.

“And yes, there was also a clown wandering around the garden, but that’s par for the course in Downing Street – how do you think I got this job?

“I thought the balloon animals were a tad unusual but I imagine it was some new coronavirus modelling or something.

“As for the musical chairs, I just thought that was an excellent method of deciding who should be the next Foreign Secretary. Well done Liz Truss – she’s fast, you have to give her that.

“And Rishi Sunak was so good at freezing during musical statues that it was easy to forget he was actually at Downing Street at the time of the event.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a Cobra meeting this afternoon and Boris has asked me as the ‘sport person’ to dig out the Twister mat – otherwise it won’t be worth him attending!”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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