The British Prime Minister has had an urgent call with the Russian president this morning to urge him to invade Ukraine as soon as possible.
It is understood that Boris Johnson, in a desperate attempt to find anything to distract the media and voters from his incessant partying during lockdown requested Vladimir Putin to take aggressive military action against Ukraine, preferably today, but definitely before PMQs tomorrow lunchtime.
“Look Vlad,” he was overheard to say on the telephone in Downing Street first thing this morning.
“I know we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, but it would really help a chap out if you could invade Ukraine today, please – I need something to talk about so these pesky journalists don’t keep asking me about a blasted Colin The Caterpillar cake and party poppers.
“What’s that? No, I can’t just have the journalists killed, it’s not as easy to do that over here. Although I suppose I could arrange to have one or two of them to be beaten up as a warning tot he others, I suppose, I have done that in the past.”
He went on, “Look, I played a pretty big part in delivering Brexit, which you helped pay for, so you do owe me one, if you think about it.
Sources close to the unhinged, self-obsessed dictator are unsure of what will happen next, and neither are the sources close to Vladimir Putin.