Boris Johnson announces inquiry into when his birthday is

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Perpetually perplexed premier Boris Johnson will convene a parliamentary investigation into the date of his own birthday, it has emerged.

Johnson had described himself as ‘bemused and befuddled’ when several dozen people including his interior designer burst into his office with a cake singing happy birthday during lockdown, and said he assumed it was a vital update on the state of the NHS.

“No one was more surprised than me to learn that it was in fact apparently intended as some sort of shindig,” he told MPs.

As a result, he has announced the formation of a parliamentary commission to investigate whether or not the event took place on his birthday, and whether a cake with ‘Happy Birthday Prime Minister’ on it was in any way related to what his opponents are calling a ‘party’.

Speaking to the Today Programme this morning, Minister Grant Shapps informed listeners that yes, he had indeed drawn the short straw today.

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He explained, “The Prime Minister is extremely busy, and cannot be expected to know exactly who is doing what in every room at Number Ten, what BYOB means, or what his own date of birth is.

“When he told me that he thought BYOB was a mis-spelling of BOOBS, I instantly believed that explanation and so did everyone else.

“I expect any report to completely exonerate the PM, and I’m glad I’m doing this interview over the phone so you can’t see my face whilst I’m saying that.”

Written by Davywavy and Ross Wagman.

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