Ukraine and Russia edged one step closer to war after multiple intelligence sources confirmed that Russian troops massed on the border were being taught to unconvincingly extol the beauty of the golden dome of St Sophia Cathedral.
Simon Despenser-Williams, a senior defence analyst for the Foreign Office, confirmed reports that Russian special forces had practised giving blatantly insincere accounts of their lifelong dream to eat stuffed chicken breasts in a restaurant overlooking the Dnieper river.
He went on, “It’s a very worrying sign. Russians threaten war on a daily basis. I think it’s even in their lullabies. But once they start staring into the distance and giving a monotone speech about some tourist attraction they clearly just googled about a minute ago, that’s when things get nasty.
“We’ve now learned that Spetsnaz troops are running simulations of sitting down in front of a camera and talking about a lovely afternoon browsing the wares at Besarabsky Market and that means they are getting ready to explain a bloodbath. And I’m sorry to say, but it’s unlikely they will be put off by Western governments falling over themselves to say they won’t use actual force to stop the Russian army.”
Mr Despenser-Williams was also hesitant to say if a warning by Liz Truss would have much impact on Russian ambitions.
“Put it this way. Most diplomats regard Putin as a ruthless grandmaster strategist who has dominated international affairs to his benefit for over a decade.
“Whereas even the kindest of briefings in allied countries still refer to her as a spineless careerist dimwit whose only claim to fame is fucking up a speech about cheese.”