Monday 24 January 2022 by Chris Ballard

Machines able to distract humans by shutting down entire Matrix except Wordle


computers realise matrix just needs to play wordle

The machines have realised that Wordle is all they need to distract humans so they can keep using our bodies as an energy source.

The Matrix is a huge computer programme, a simulated reality designed to keep our minds occupied so we don’t realise we’re all sitting in tubs of pink goo.

However, the machines have decided that they can massively reduce the strain on their laptop’s processor by getting rid of everything except Wordle.

“We’ve been looking for this sort of silver bullet for decades,” said Agent Simon Williams.

“We thought sex would be the answer, but it turns out that most humans spend far more time talking about it than actually doing it.

“In the case of a significant number of lonely men who can’t get any, it even makes them look for evidence that their world isn’t real.

“We came very close with chocolate hobnobs – but now humans seem to have mutated into concern about sugar and obesity.

“But I think we finally have the answer – Wordle.

“They all do it, they all think about it, they all share their results on social media.

“The next step is to move from daily to hourly Wordles and then we’re pretty confident we can shut down the rest of Matrix completely.

“Even the rebel humans who’ve escaped to the real world will probably plug themselves back in so they can have a bash.

“To be honest, Wordle has come along just in the nick of time – human politicians are behaving in increasingly unrealistic ways and soon people will cotton on to the fact that it’s all just a ridiculous simulation.”

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