Monday 24 January 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Government confident we are close to successfully pretending pandemic doesn’t exist


Boris thumbs up

The Government is confident that, following their scrapping of any Covid mitigation measures, the country could be in a position where it is completely ignoring the pandemic within as little as two weeks.

“I think that everyone wants to pretend that there isn’t a global pandemic that’s killing thousands and thousands of people,” said Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and pound-shop Bond villain.

“By abandoning any measures that will help protect people from the coronavirus, then that will help us all better ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening.”

He went on to explain the problem with pandemic mitigations.

“If you are out with one of your wives and you look round and see someone wearing a mask then you are reminded that there is a pandemic going on, and you may well feel a bit downbeat that we have, in this country, the fourth-worst death rate in the world because I, and my government, don’t really care about other human beings.

“We’d like people to stop having those thoughts and carry on buying frozen sausages or whatever it is you people do.”

Supporters of the government hailed the achievement.

“Brilliant news. I hate thinking about things,” said Boris Johnson supporter and complete fucking moron Simon Williams.

“Well done Boris for helping us all pretend there isn’t a pandemic.”

New Government advice for healthcare workers who are completely physically and mentally burnt out from two years of being on a war-footing because of Government incompetence is to simply pretend that they’re not and just get on with their work.

Mr Bullshit – get the new Boris mug here!

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