President Putin has been rushed to hospital after collapsing from laughter following Liz Truss’s stern warning that he should ‘step back’ his military activity on the Ukrainian border.
The foreign secretary made the comments in a speech in Sydney, where she is presumably trying to sell British-made boomerangs to the Australians, in which she accused Russia of wanting to recreate the Soviet Union and urged President Vladimir Putin to step back his activity on the south-east border.
Kremlin guard Zimon Villiamov told us, “President Putin is not the laughing type, as we all know.
“But when he saw the British lady on TV trying to tell him off and warn him not to invade Ukraine, a smile spread across his face like the forces of Mother Russia will spread across our neighbouring countries’ lands until we rule the w- ahem, well, he smiled a lot, is what I’m saying.”
He went on, “But the fact she was trying to frown and look serious while delivering her ‘terrifying’ message just made her look constipated, and eventually President Putin just collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of the giggles and was rushed to hospital.”
There are unconfirmed reports from within the Kremlin that Putin is making a good recovery, and that doctors have recommended he recuperates by taking a short camping trip near the Ukrainian border, accompanied by thousands of troops and heavy artillery.