Estate agents condemn Boris Johnson for giving liars a bad name

author avatar by 2 years ago

The nation’s most accomplished fibbers have criticised the Prime Minister for being too fast and loose with the truth.

As the PM considers his next career move, a potential new role has been closed off to him.

“Boris Johnson lies far too much to make it in the property business,” said Simon Williams, a man who told us that he’s the Chief of the Chartered Institute of Estate Agents.

“Calling a tiny bedsit ‘cosy’ is one thing. Boris would say it’s a twenty bedroom mansion and then apologise after the purchase, saying that nobody told him it wasn’t a twenty bedroom mansion.

“It’s just too much – we have ethical standards to uphold you know!”

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So if he can’t be an Estate Agent, what else could Boris do when he’s kicked out of Downing Street?

Here are some roles where he might be able to deploy his extensive skills in falsification:

Sun Journalist

Given his penchant for faking quotes and fabricating sources, no reputable paper would take him on.  Even the Daily Star and the Sunday Sport would consider him too much of a liability. But he’ll probably be able to get a job at the Sun. Almost certainly

Shower Temperature Control

Saying the water is hot when it’s quite obviously freezing is the sort of black-is-white logic in which Boris excels. Plus, he’ll also get to see lots of naked women, so he’ll be in his element.

That said, he’ll probably get one of them pregnant within a week and have to retrain as a toaster temperature control to avoid parental responsibility.

Weather App

It’s pissing down, your feet are freezing and you can’t remember ever feeling so miserable. However, your phone is telling you that you’re basking in warm sunshine.

The perfect metaphor for Boris’ approach to levelling up.