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The entire country is yelling at Sue Gray to squeeze the Prime Ministers balls until they burst.
Boris Johnson’s fate all depends on the outcome of Sue Gray’s investigation into the alleged Downing Street parties.
With the PM’s trembling testicles cupped in her icy civil servant hands, what will Ms Gray decide to do with them?
Political Analyst Simon Williams explained her options.
“Option 1: Crush them.
“Most people’s preferred option and certainly the one that reflects the mood of the nation. This is a golden opportunity to remove a racist, corrupt, lying, immoral philanderer from office. So squeeze, Sue! Squeeze like someone convinced there’s still a little bit left in the toothpaste tube.
“Option 2: Tickle them.
“This is probably what cabinet ministers want – tease the PM by dragging out publication for as long as possible. That gives time for more damning revelations to emerge or for Boris to trip up by saying something like ‘Yes, I went to a load of parties, fuck you, I’m the Prime Minister’.
“Either way, this would give his political rivals within the Conservative party time to consider their next move and be ready to strike.
“Option 3: Lick them.
“Nobody wants this but who knows – perhaps Sue Gray is susceptible to the seductive charms of power. Her report will find that Boris has done nothing wrong and that Downing Street staff should apologise to him for using his home as a venue for illegal raves.
“Ms Gray will suddenly gain access to a seedy underworld of unlimited narcotics and all you can eat sex.”
