Sue Gray’s interview of Boris Johnson disrupted by loud music and disco lighting

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A senior civil servant’s investigation into alleged government lockdown breaches has been hampered by the Downing Street sound system’s sub-bass.

Boris Johnson has been questioned by Sue Gray under very difficult circumstances.

“My appointment with the PM was at the unusual time of 01.33 in the morning,” said Ms Gray.

“The policeman at the door checked my ticket – which simply stated ‘work event’ – stamped my hand and ushered me inside.

“I was immediately blinded by strobe lighting and deafened by a cacophony of dance music.

“I stumbled from room to room, briefcase clutched to my chest. I knew the PM must be there somewhere.

“In the Cabinet room a number of nude women were lying on the table. A group of men, themselves naked apart from harlequin masks, appeared to be sniffing the ladies’ breasts.

“One of the men had very similar hair to Michael Gove.

“In the basement, Priti Patel and Dominic Raab sat in a small cinema watching ‘Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom’. They were laughing hysterically as if watching a comedy.

“My attempt to go upstairs was thwarted by the fact that several Downing Street aides were using it as a makeshift toboggan run.

“I eventually found Boris in a marquee in the garden, holding fort at a bar.

“I tried to ask him if this was a party, but couldn’t make myself heard above the din.

“Attempting to ask in clumsy, improvised sign language, I pointed all around, mimed a drinking motion, performed a little dance and raised my eyebrows.

“Boris gave me the thumbs up and handed me a shot of absinthe.

“The rest of the meeting was a blur of free booze, unlimited drugs and liberating, carefree dancing.

“I have concluded that no laws have been broken. However, going forward I will be attending Number 10 work events more regularly to ensure standards don’t slip.”