‘If you fuck up again there will be consequences and we really really mean it this time,’ senior Conservatives have told Boris Johnson today.
Johnson, who has fucked up before and will definitely do it again, has apparently been told this time is absolutely, positively, definitely his last chance and we’re not kidding this time no really.
Senior members of the Conservatives ‘expressed disappointment’ as the party lost fifteen points in the polls in a matter of weeks – the fastest decline in any party’s fortunes since Gordon brown drove the economy into a tree in 2008.
As photos emerged of Johnson half-naked with a traffic cone on his head whilst the Queen mourned her dead husband alone, Tory strategists recognised it might be time to put their foot down yet again because that’s worked so well on every previous occasion.
“It really is the final straw, again,” an unnamed cabinet minister told us.
“No more chances, just like the last time. We’ve told Boris this is it and he agreed, just like he did last time.
”I think we can draw a line under the matter as the Prime Minister absolutely won’t do it ag- what, already?!”