Scientists discover positive correlation between proximity to Boris Johnson and daily alcohol consumption

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The closer you are to Boris Johnson, the more alcohol you are likely to consume, according to science this morning.

Working for the alleged Prime Minister seems to come with the obligation to attend random boozy parties, according to recent staggering revelations.

“Except they’re not parties, they’re coping sessions,” confirmed Downing Street staffer, Simon Williams.

“We have to be near to Boris Johnson a LOT. I’m not sure why you’re surprised that we drink nearly every day. We have a lot of things we’d like to forget about, chief of which is the fact that he’s Prime Minister.

“During that whole “let the bodies pile high” fiasco we basically funded the bonuses for the entire board of directors at Jacob’s Creek. I only remember that at all due to the newspapers.”

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Scientist, Hayley Rice, said, “It is quite extraordinary.

“If we look at the orbit around Boris Johnson, those people are exclusively drunk.

“The further away one gets from him, the more sober people seem to become. He could do wonders for alcoholics just by making sure he’s on the opposite side of the world from literally all of them.

“I met him once and woke up in a skip.”